Machiavelli had it right.
You may have heard the Machiavelli quote before:
“There is no other way to guard yourself against flattery than by making others understand that telling you the truth will not offend you…”
It’s a good quote, and it fits right in with a lot of modern, warm, optimistic management.
But that little ellipses leaves out the risk and outcome of this approach.
The full quote is:
“There is no other way to guard yourself against flattery than by making others understand that telling you the truth will not offend you, but when every one may tell you the truth, respect for you disappears.”
You know how this feels. You have complained to a friend about how everyone feels like they have the right to comment on your job. Everyone tells you what to do even though they have nowhere near the training, expertise, and hours spent on your project.
Let’s take a page from Machiavelli, and update it for today. How do you walk this line skillfully? How do you hear the truth you need to hear, but maintain respect for what you bring to the table? With three principles.
- Listen to everyone.
- Be clear about boundaries and when people are overstepping.
- Do as you please.
1 – Listen to everyone.
In today’s multi-disciplinary world, a critical perspective often comes from unexpected places. Answers to problems cannot always be identified within the perspectives of your own discipline. Further, and speaking from the perspective of customer experience, there is always another emotional context to consider.
People are going to give you their opinion. You can’t effectively shut them down without wasting political capital. And since people have a deep need to be heard, listening to them will often gain favor that you can use.
So listen to everyone, but limit the time and energy you spend on everyone’s opinions. You’ll need the time to…
1.5 – Consider carefully the opinions of a few.
While this idea does not stand on its own, it’s a nuance that the first principle needs to work.
You need to have a few people on any large project or decision whose input you weigh against your own. You need to be open to changing course because of what they offer.
Be certain to get these perspectives from sources that won’t just tell you what you want to hear. Consider a trusted friend who is unafraid to tell the truth, an expert on the subject, an outsider with no stake, an opponent who has different motives.
Whose advice you need to seek depends on the circumstances, but your decisions will be better for the insight you receive.
2 – Be clear about boundaries and when people are overstepping.
This takes tact.
“John, I appreciate your input. There are several factors I am looking at, including the ones you mentioned.”
“Yes, Lisa, I can see why you would say that. Alternatively, I want to make sure we are attending to …, which is why I went this way.”
Here, the use of “I” and “We” is very important. Use “I” when you are establishing your authority in the matter and setting bounds. Use “We” in conjunction to build bridges and remind everyone of shared priorities.
Setting boundaries is never easy. But good boundaries are the difference between realizing your own vision and merely implementing the vision of others.
3 – Do as you please.
You are in your position because you are the expert at it relative to everyone else. Your mandate is to take the risk and make the call. At the end of the day, no one else’s advice matters if you didn’t deliver, so make the decision that you believe will let you accomplish your vision.
Listen, be clear about boundaries, do as you please. You’ll hear the perspectives to sharpen your own insights, and establish yourself as the leader in your role.
It’s a new year. With that comes resolutions and new intentions. And with that comes the tendency to think of ourselves as fundamentally different than we are and to over-leverage the idea of discipline to get us to where we need to go.
Look, you are a disciplined person. You’re reading a blog on leadership when you could be looking at kitten videos. (Don’t do it, stay here a moment longer. The kitten videos will be there when you get done.)
The thing is, discipline is in extremely limited supply for all of us. There is a lot of cognitive psychology and neurobiology behind this, and it’s an interesting study. But the short version is every decision you make and every time you stay an impulse of yours, it taxes you. You are depleting a limited reserve of decision-making ability. It will be a little harder to make that next decision well. It will be a little harder to resist that next impulse. And that stacks up through the day with only food and sleep recharging your capacity.
If on December 10th, you had the capacity to make 100 quality decisions per day, then on January 1 you don’t have the capacity to double that. Much less the 10x required to meet the list of things you set up for yourself for the perfect year.
Rely on discipline and you ensure your failure, building a habit of failure around your intentions.
So what do you do? You know you want to make improvements in your life, but discipline won’t get you there. There are alternatives.
Passion – People do all sorts of hard things because they are passionate about them. Most of us know someone who is a long distance runner. We think of them as really disciplined people. But if you are really close to them, you know it’s not just that. They are addicts. They’ll run when it’s cold and when they are hurt, facing additional injury. Discipline doesn’t get you there. Passion does. Finding your passions is one of the hardest and most vulnerable pursuits you can undertake, but the rewards are unparalleled.
Habit – Do you remember your drive into work today? The way you put on your makeup? How you made the coffee? All these items don’t typically require you to use your decision-making ability because they fall below the cognitive threshold. You just do them. New habits are hard to form, and the difficulty is compounded when trying to learn many new habits at once. But the good news is we’ve got this one down to a science, more or less. A good place to start is The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg. Use a little discipline to turn something into a habit and you can keep it up without all the downsides.
Design – Do you keep your phone on your nightstand beside your bed? Is it one of the first things you look at in the morning? There isn’t a right or wrong answer to that question in my opinion, but the two go together. If your phone is close to you when you wake up, you’re going to take a look at it, and that’s how your day starts. How would your life change if you put your phone in your top dresser drawer or left it in the kitchen when you went to bed?
People – When you are trying to change your behaviors, other people are dangerous and unpredictable influences, but they can be very effective allies. If you are a part of that “book” club that mainly drinks wine and no one reads the book, that’s fine. But be prepared to have a glass of wine…or four. Sign up for a volleyball team and now you’ve got 5 other people who are going to be upset with you if you bail and make them forfeit. The people you surround yourself with have a significant impact on your accomplishments. Choose who you spend time with.
These are four ideas to get you started. If you try all four, you’ll fail. Choose one. Start there. Set yourself a reminder to come back to this article in 90 days. Review how things worked for you, and pick another.
I’d wish you good luck with your 2019 goals, but you don’t need it. You need good design, good habits, people that help you improve, and passion.
I laced up my new skates. It wasn’t the first time I had ever been on them. I had shuffled and wobbled around my local skating rink a few times, and I had been on roller blades for about two years. But this was different. These were quad skates. And this was the gritty sports track of a derby floor.
I stood up gingerly, pushed off, and encountered the first major challenge of my derby life. Taped neatly to the floor was the rope that defined the derby arena, and I needed to skate over it. Gently, carefully, I judged my speed. I shuffle-stepped up to the rope, lifted one foot, and promptly fell on my butt.
Fast forward less than a year later. It’s a warm, humid day in Boston, and I’ve taken my skates with me on a business trip, because that’s how I roll. I left from my hotel and skated to Harvard Square on unknown roads. Urban skating had become one of my favorite things to do. I loved the challenge, the thrill, the uneven ground. I loved the risk of falling, though I rarely ever did.
How did I go from Bambi on Ice to Mad Max? There is no secret here. I got training. I practiced. I screwed up. I got coached. I practiced. I lost my motivation. Coaches found ways of motivating me. I was propelled by desire. I practiced.
And then, not all at once but eventually, I put my skates on outside and just flew.
We have an amazing capacity to learn anything. I’ve learned to skate, ride a bike, juggle, and do algebra. I have a working understanding of a car engine and can tell you more than a little bit about Newtonian Mechanics. None of that came preloaded.
And you have your own portfolio. Things you learned, odd bits of trivia. That weird dance move only you can do. Your passable Spanish that you learned back in high school.
Why am I going on about something obvious? Because people keep telling me, “You can’t train that.” Yes, you can. You can train everything, or at least so much that the exclusions don’t matter. Anything you know, you learned. Sure, you might have a predisposition to like or be good at something, but you still have to learn it.
Leadership is a skill until it becomes an art. Customer service is a skill. The skills can be taught to and learned by anyone. You don’t get to write anyone off. In a world where employees act as free agents and have the power to move from job to job, you simply cannot afford the luxury of waiting for just the right ones. You’ll pay for it in time, you’ll pay for it in salary, you’ll pay for it in opportunity.
Another way of thinking about it as a leader: our people are the agency by which we get work done. It’s a poor craftsman who blames their tools for defects in the results.
Of course, have good hiring practices. Look for the best-qualified candidates. Use unbiased and inclusive processes to increase your hiring pool. But be objective about the level of skill and skill sets you can acquire in your market for your budget, and prepare to train what you need but can’t get on Day One.
Leadership isn’t merely finding great people and setting your ship on autopilot, it’s continually investing in your opportunities to get bigger payoffs. Your biggest opportunities are always your people.
That rope boundary on the derby track? It’s not an obstacle for me anymore.
Train and coach your people, and the insurmountable obstacles of Day One will become afterthoughts.
Getting over Conflict Avoidance – Part 1
We don’t want to be seen as a person who backs down from a fight. Yet, we often avoid saying the hard things because we don’t want to make waves. Suit up. This is business. Conflict is what leaders do.
Notice when you are avoiding conflict
It’s hard to change a behavior in yourself without being aware of the behavior at a conscious level. This means the first step is going to be gaining personal awareness. To accomplish this set aside some time daily for self-reflection.
Take a few minutes on your commute home. Thinking back to your day, are you aware of any time you avoided engaging where you should have? Would an outside observer have a different opinion of your interactions? If you find that you’ve avoided conflict, it’s important not to scold yourself over it. You are giving yourself feedback here. It’s not about the past, it’s about the future. Note the occurrence, and commit to a plan to do it differently next time.